Random thoughts

It is simply shocking how fast and how much life can change.

One minute, you feel like you're on top of the world, like everything is going well for you and even then you have this inkling that it's all too good to be true... and it is. Suddenly you're snatched down from your comfortable seat on cloud 9 and brought back to earth in a cruel and unexpected fashion.

I know life isn't supposed to be fair and that it's a good thing it isn't. But that doesn't make things better. Why does it have to be like this? Where has the little confidence I had gone and will it ever come back? I feel so empty, I feel so... not in control. I feel scared and sad and bored.

Yet through all of this I have a wedding in less than a year. No, not a wedding... a marriage. My bright spot in an otherwise dim timelime. Through all of the hard times, God has been here and has given me another human being to cling to when I need it the most. It's amazing how things work. It's mysterious and feels illogical but there's a balance in my life I appreciate. Parts of it suck and other parts are beautiful.

This is my beautiful letdown. The parts of my life that are not happy or bright, the parts of my life that altogether seem not good... are all just a part of the beautiful letdown. In order to open my eyes to the beauty, I must first experience the disappointment. I don't always get it, sometimes I hate it, but in the end I am always grateful for it.

Now all I can do is sit and wait for the next thing to happen. The trick with the "beautiful letdown" is that there is no end to it, at least as long as we're alive and breathing. One thing will come and then the other. So what's next now? A pretty moment or an ugly one?

The waiting makes me nervous.