Death

So my Granny is now in in-home hospice. This is the woman who uptil a year ago, I lived right next door to. She is my second mom. She helped raised me and has always been there for me. I hate when people hear that someone is dying and then shrug it off as not that important when they hear they are old. It does not matter how old the person is, it still really REALLY hurts to lose them.

Fortunately and unfortunately, my family and I aren't strangers to Hospice. 5 years ago my Deda (my grandpa... who was a father to me) passed away in Hospice. It really blows that Granny is going through the same thing now but at least I can remind myself that no matter how hard it was before, God got me through it and He will do it again. I'm so thankful that Granny is a believer and will be going to the right place after she passes.

But it's still just so incredibly hard. Especially since her mind seems to be going. She is constantly talking to people that aren't there and reaching for things that aren't there. The other day, my mom and I were getting her dressed when she told us to stop until she finished pouring a bottle of bbq sauce. (that wasn't actually there). But at least she's seeing fun things in her mind.

What makes things even harder is that up until a couple days ago, I still told myself she could fight this and come back from it. But after meeting with a Hospice nurse at the hospital, we got a booklet about death and how to know when a person is closer to passing. ... Granny has literally every single symptom in the book. She is dying. That is all there is to it. I've already eaten the last meal she will ever cook for me. I have already had the last logical conversation I can ever have with her. I have already walked through the grocery store with her for the last time. This is it. I have signed the DNR.

But today something simple happened. I went to Meijer to pick up a perscription only to discover that a coupon from the Doctor's office made it cost 90 dollars less than it should have been. Normally this is something I would tell Granny about it in a regular conversation and she would smile and tell me how great it was that I saved some money. At first I was sad when I realized I couldn't go and tell her about this and she couldn't give me her stunning smile in return. But then it hit me that I already know what her response would be. I could already hear her voice and imagine how the simple conversation would go. And as lame as it may sound, I will always have that with me. I will always have part of her with me wherever I go. I will always see her precious face and hear her sweet voice in my head. Just as I can still hear Deda tell me I'm his baby girl and smile at me with that magical sparkle in his eyes that only he ever had. I used to think about that and be sad but now it makes me smile. And though thinking about Granny now makes me cry, I'm comforted in knowing that years from now, I'll hear that voice in my head and smile.

Until then I just pray. God, get me through this.